When we got pregnant with Porter, we were ecstatic, duh. Of course. Getting pregnant with him was easy and the pregnancy was relatively easy. 9 months after he was born, we were excited to be pregnant again and looked forward to the craziness of having 2 babies so close together. At 21 weeks, we delivered our little girl, Noel, stillborn. Maybe sometime I’ll write a post about that experience, but in a nutshell – it was an absolute nightmare. Delivering a baby that we knew wouldn’t have a heartbeat. Burying her little body before we ever got a chance to really know her. You know the phrase, “It was the worst,” It really was the worst.
Eventually, we picked ourselves up and tried for another baby. Three miscarriages later, we felt like God was trying to tell us something. After a TON of praying and pleading with God, our hearts were opened to adoption through foster-care. We were matched with a little girl (2) and boy (1) who were siblings. It was hard. It was SO HARD. With Porter being so close in age to both of them, the adjustment was soooo hard. They eventually left our home and went back to Mom.
Through those babies, we met a young girl. We’ll call her Madelyn. Madelyn was older than we originally had planned on taking in (11). Both Parker and I fell in love with her, though, and started work licensing for a higher level of care. Madelyn had been through a lot and needed some special accommodations in a family. She was in and out of treatment facilities and was eventually sent to another city to live in a group home. We talked to her on the phone and Facetime often, started family therapy with her, and were so excited to adopt her. Parker and I took her on a trip to the beach and we had some real conversations about what it would look like to be adopted. Her biological mom was not an option anymore (she voluntarily removed her rights about 6 months before this) and that we wanted to be her forever family.
That conversation turned sour quickly. She told us that she planned on finding her family when she turned 18, and that she saw us as more of a long-term foster family, rather than her forever family. She also told me that I would never be her mom and that she changed her mind about us adopting her.
I cried the whole drive home from Houston. I cried for the next week. My heart was broken. I was so sure she was meant to be mine. She wasn’t ready, though, and it really sucked to realize that. We closed our home (with our foster agency). It was too hard. I was too sad. We were pregnant with Jane and I decided maybe foster care just wasn’t for us.
Jane was our miracle. Is our miracle. I’m crying typing this. God has a plan for us and His timing is what’s best for us. Jane has healed my heart. All of the fertility appointments, shots, and other physical pain I went through to keep her pregnancy was worth it. Every. Single. Bit.
Foster-to-adopt kept coming back to my mind, though. I pushed it out, because it was too hard the first time we tried. Too much work. Too much heartache. The impressions didn’t go away. After a night out with friends, I came home and told Parker I felt like God still wanted us to adopt through foster care. That someone was still missing from our family. He told me he had felt that all along, but wanted to give me time to heal from Madelyn.
We went through all of our foster trainings again. We filled out all of the paperwork. We did it all again and then we waited. We waited for three months. We made crazy plans to live in a trailer and just figured it’d happen when it was supposed to. Out of the blue a few weeks ago, we got an e-mail from our agency director that said it was finally time for our home study (end of July!!!) and that she has a young boy (14) in mind for us.
We got to meet him last night. He’s sweet and perfect. I don’t know what will happen or if he will even end up in our home, but it feels good to know we are doing God’s will and open to His guidance in growing our family.
I guess stay tuned to see what happens! I’ll be on the edge of my seat, too!